Whew.
It has been busy, busy, busy in my life these past couple weeks. For starters, we have been looking to buy a house and with all the red tape that entails, we've pretty much constantly been on the phone. My credit is not as bad as I feared. I have one credit card left from the oodles Dad took out and it falls off next year. Our mortgage guy's advice to us was to rebuild our credit and go from there. It's going to take about a year and while I'm not thrilled about that, it could've been worse. I'm excited to begin the process and can't wait to start looking.
I have not had a gripping fear about house hunting with Jeff, so that makes me feel more secure in our relationship. I know it seems like I have a neverending roller coaster ride with my feelings about this whole thing and I think it's just because it's different. We're like Leonard and Penny in the Big Bang Theory. She's totally comfortable around him and can be herself, good day or bad, and she knows he won't look at her differently or judge her. I can relate a lot to their relationship. I read the book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough and I feel like it pretty much changed my whole outlook on men and relationships. I feel like most girls would realize a lot about their dating choices if they read that book. It has become my bible(so to speak)on how I choose to view men from now on. It helps you dissolve the made up fairytale version of the perfect guy you have in your mind. I feel like I chose wisely this time with Jeff. Not because he isn't a "dream guy", because he is. Just not the one I envisioned spending the rest of my life with. Until now, that is. We are best friends. I can talk to him about anything, and from what I gather, that is a key point of a lasting relationship. I am becoming more comfortable about the thought of marriage with him, well marriage in general, really. I just know if I broke things off with him, I would spend the rest of my life comparing every dating/boyfriend prospect to him. And they would never match up. I really don't think I could do any better. He's more than I could have ever asked for. I feel like God didn't give me what I thought I wanted, but what I really needed. One day at a time.
Memorial Day Weekend has come and gone and I am very sad about it. I really, truly hate working. I don't hate my job, I just hate working in general. I really think my calling is to be a stay-at-home wife/mom. Working outside the home really takes the joy of life away from me. I spend every week waiting for the weekend again. I know lots of people do, but for me, it consumes me. Like, I literally get depressed on Sundays. I can't even enjoy life the way I feel God wants us to. I am praying for an opportunity to be able to stay at home once Jeff and I get married. The desire has continually gotten stronger over the past year and I'm really starting to think that maybe that's my calling. We are praying about it, and praying for a better, 1st shift job for Jeff.
I've also been down in the dumps about how I look. I've gained some weight, and I just feel so ugly and fat. I want so much to be skinny, but time and finances don't exactly allow for gym time and healthy eating. I hate looking in the mirror and I know it's my fault I look this way. Just pray for me about this please. It makes me sick.
Vacation is in two months and I.CANNOT.WAIT. I am so ready to get away. I am homesick for the beach. I feel like I leave my heart there every time. Hopefully, God willing, we'll be able to live there someday. I definitely do not want Crossville to be my forever home. I absolutely hate living here.
I am going to follow Jeff's commitment in reading my Bible every night. I've got out of the habit and I can definitely tell. I feel so much better when I am reading every day. I am also hoping that we won't have to work the Saturday our church is having Bible school so we can help with that. I am just looking for ways to be more plugged in to my church and to God. I am searching for ways to serve God more. I wish I could dedicate my day to doing so :( Lots of things we are praying for right now.....
I am really hoping this next month slows down some for us. I am so very tired.....tired of being tired :(
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