Just trying to keep up...

Whew.
       It has been busy, busy, busy in my life these past couple weeks. For starters, we have been looking to buy a house and with all the red tape that entails, we've pretty much constantly been on the phone. My credit is not as bad as I feared. I have one credit card left from the oodles Dad took out and it falls off next year. Our mortgage guy's advice to us was to rebuild our credit and go from there. It's going to take about a year and while I'm not thrilled about that, it could've been worse. I'm excited to begin the process and can't wait to start looking.
       I have not had a gripping fear about house hunting with Jeff, so that makes me feel more secure in our relationship. I know it seems like I have a neverending roller coaster ride with my feelings about this whole thing and I think it's just because it's different. We're like Leonard and Penny in the Big Bang Theory. She's totally comfortable around him and can be herself, good day or bad, and she knows he won't look at her differently or judge her. I can relate a lot to their relationship. I read the book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough and I feel like it pretty much changed my whole outlook on men and relationships. I feel like most girls would realize a lot about their dating choices if they read that book. It has become my bible(so to speak)on how I choose to view men from now on. It helps you dissolve the made up fairytale version of the perfect guy you have in your mind. I feel like I chose wisely this time with Jeff. Not because he isn't a "dream guy", because he is. Just not the one I envisioned spending the rest of my life with. Until now, that is. We are best friends. I can talk to him about anything, and from what I gather, that is a key point of a lasting relationship. I am becoming more comfortable about the thought of marriage with him, well marriage in general, really. I just know if I broke things off with him, I would spend the rest of my life comparing every dating/boyfriend prospect to him. And they would never match up. I really don't think I could do any better. He's more than I could have ever asked for. I feel like God didn't give me what I thought I wanted, but what I really needed. One day at a time.
        Memorial Day Weekend has come and gone and I am very sad about it. I really, truly hate working. I don't hate my job, I just hate working in general. I really think my calling is to be a stay-at-home wife/mom. Working outside the home really takes the joy of life away from me. I spend every week waiting for the weekend again. I know lots of people do, but for me, it consumes me. Like, I literally get depressed on Sundays. I can't even enjoy life the way I feel God wants us to. I am praying for an opportunity to be able to stay at home once Jeff and I get married. The desire has continually gotten stronger over the past year and I'm really starting to think that maybe that's my calling. We are praying about it, and praying for a better, 1st shift job for Jeff.
         I've also been down in the dumps about how I look. I've gained some weight, and I just feel so ugly and fat. I want so much to be skinny, but time and finances don't exactly allow for gym time and healthy eating. I hate looking in the mirror and I know it's my fault I look this way. Just pray for me about this please. It makes me sick.
        Vacation is in two months and I.CANNOT.WAIT. I am so ready to get away. I am homesick for the beach. I feel like I leave my heart there every time. Hopefully, God willing, we'll be able to live there someday. I definitely do not want Crossville to be my forever home. I absolutely hate living here.
         I am going to follow Jeff's commitment in reading my Bible every night. I've got out of the habit and I can definitely tell. I feel so much better when I am reading every day. I am also hoping that we won't have to work the Saturday our church is having Bible school so we can help with that. I am just looking for ways to be more plugged in to my church and to God. I am searching for ways to serve God more. I wish I could dedicate my day to doing so :(  Lots of things we are praying for right now.....
        I am really hoping this next month slows down some for us. I am so very tired.....tired of being tired :(

Starting Over

              I don't even know where to start....so much has happened since I last wrote. I deleted all previous posts I had on here. It's a time in my life I am trying very hard to forget and move on from. Since I last wrote, I quit the bakery, quit drinking completely, and went through a horrible divorce, all in less than a year. I did not want to get divorced, but I had no say in the matter. I wish him the best in life and I hope he is happy. I will not talk much about that on here because what happened is our business and nobody else's. All I will say is that there are two sides to the story. God and I know the truth and everything that went on, seen and unseen and that's all that matters to me. Looking back now, it was for the best, and I am much happier now. Hindsight is 20/20.
              For the most part, I am better. I rededicated my life to God and I will not return to the person I was then. I had pushed God away for a long time because I knew I would have to stop drinking and drinking was my happy. My companion, my friend. It kept me company, it soothed the loneliness. It also ended up being my worst enemy and my demise. I am still trying to forgive myself for mistakes that I have made and for the hurt I have caused others. I have become a stronger Christian with all that I went through, and even though I still make mistakes, I am far from the person I was. God still loves me, despite what I've done and that's hard for me to fathom. I will jump around a lot as I write, I have a lot of knots in my brain I am trying to untangle. I started dating a guy four months after my divorce and have been together a little over a year. I was not ready or in any shape to be with anyone. We started out just being friends and I realized we had a lot in common and I felt like I had known him my entire life. I could talk to him about anything and have been honest with him from the get-go. He has never judged me or reacted harshly to anything I've told him. He is truly one in a million. Everyone that knows him says the same thing. I can't imagine not having him in my life. I wasn't sure about dating him and sometimes I'm still not. I still have a lot of confusion and pictures in my head of how things are supposed to be and I'm working on getting rid of that picture I have dreamed up in my head. I believe God doesn't always give us what we want, but instead gives us what we need. I needed someone like Jeff, not someone like my ex. I needed someone who was understanding, caring, patient, loving, slow to anger, even on my worst days. I've never had that before and at times, I feel like I push it away. I go through periods of contentment and being okay with everything, to doubting everything and getting depressed. Thank God for my best friend, without her I don't know that I would be here. She kept me sane and talked to me endlessly and never left my side. She is one of God's greatest gifts to me and continues to help me with all my crap.
          I have a lot of unanswered questions that I may never get answers to. I am praying that a lot of them are, so I can un-confuse myself as much as possible. I am going to a new church and have been for almost a year now. It's small and homey feeling, and it's somewhere that you know Jesus is there. I listen to Christian music pretty much all the time now if I listen to any. It helps keep me focused on where I need to be. I fall, but I keep standing back up. I am trying to keep a positive outlook on life with everything. I am on 1st shift now at a job I like. I actually have days off and everything! I will work at McDonald's before I ever go back to the bakery. That place is truly the threshold of Hell. Jeff and I are also looking for other jobs at the same time, not because we don't like our current jobs, but we're both looking to move out of state, hopefully sooner than later. I definitely don't want to be stuck in this town for the rest of my life and neither does he. We are both praying about it. I can't wait to leave.
          I am also going to look into going back to school. I would like to complete my bachelor's and become a Christian counselor. I feel like this is what I am called to do. I am praying that God will make a way for me to do so. Life is passing by and I don't want to waste any more of it. I've wasted a lot of years doing the wrong things and I want to live the rest of my life doing the right things. I am looking forward to a much better year than last year. I guess this is all for now.....God bless :)